Which is where they take me at five o'clock as my sands of time are running low.

 

Bonus points to whoever understood the reference.

 

It's almost five o'clock and I'm suitably exhausted. Hence the double meaning to the tagline. I started work at 4:30 AM today; and will be doing so from now on as Cockzilla got his backside kicked by my apprentice training group. I imagine it went a little something like this:

 

Group: So how is the apprentice we sent you working out?

Zilla: It sucks!

Group: What's the problem?

Zilla: He's finishing all the work I'm giving him in minimal time! Every time I've been a rude jackass to him he's responded politely but STILL managed to put me back in my place, and he's far more handsome than I was in my youth!

Group: Uhh, sir...

Zilla: Do you have any idea how hard it is to look more desirable than an Allosaurus? Those things had really big brown eyes and-

Group: Moving onwards. It says in our records he's worked over forty-three hours in this last week alone.

Zilla: Yeah, so?

Group: It says in both his contract and yours that he is to work thirty-eight hours a week minimum; further hours are to be negotiated between you, him and us.

Zilla: But I'm an asshole! I need to be able to keep him behind long hours with little to no notice!

Group: Sorry but no. We don't want to constantly pay him overtime for ordinary hours. Drop his hours to a more acceptable level or we'll relocate him and tell your mother she's fat.

Zilla: *crying noises*

 

Okay, so maybe I'm not completely accurate. Who cares, I now get to sleep in an extra forty-five minutes.

 

Payday tomorrow, I've calculated from my hours this past week and day I should be recieving around $320. Not bad for my first week. That's $150 to Brian, $50 on my weekend plans (I'm cooking dinner for Sai, so I have groceries to buy), $30 credit on my phone, $20 walking-around cash (for be used only to use public transportation) and $50 of groceries for myself. That leaves me $20 with which I can maybe do something else nice for Sai.

 

After all, it's old custom that your first paycheck in any new job should be utterly pissed up the wall.

 

Normally I'm paid fortnightly; in which case $300 for Brian and $70 deducted for groceries and walking-around cash, leaving $270 (or more depending on my overtime) to go into my savings account. However as it's the end of my first week here they've shuffled the paydays around, much to my annoyance. But at least I can start saving up. The only times I shall blow any amount of money will be:

 

- buying Pokemon Pearl

- buying Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

- Sai's birthday

- christmas

 

So with any luck, by January next year I'll have enough to get my own place... somewhere in Parap would be nice as it would save me the twice daily half-hour bike ride. Then again somewhere in Palmerston and therefore closer to Sai would be good too... oh, decisions decisions.

 

Dad will be in town sometime next week; I am endeavouring to introduce him to Sai and then to get utterly sloshed in the traditional father-son night at the bar. As much as I love my job I could use the booze.

 

Well, I'm tired and I have to get up at 2:30, so I'm going to bed just as soon as I finish listening to this song.

 

No, nothing badass and nothing Japanese.

 

Promise you won't laugh?

 

It's DJ Sammy's Heaven remix.

 

You bastard, you promised you wouldn't laugh.

 

What can I say, I'm getting sentimental... and I think I'm loving every minute of it.

 

Well then, time to go study that road map that some mysterious figure saw fit to inscribe on the inside of my eyelids. That sucker's gotta lead somewhere.

 

A gigantic pit of money would be an ideal destination.

Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man; bake me a cake as fast as you can.

 

I swear, the first person to say that to me will get told to shove it.

 

Unless it's my boss, in which case I will smile and then tell him to shove it.

 

As you may have surmised, my first day was today.

 

Jesus tapdancing Christ.

 

My stuff for the day included but was not limited to -

 

 - dipping one hundred and twenty fist-size squares of cake into chocolate sauce and then into coconut to make lamingtons

 - giggling at the meat mincer as it digests the slab of beef I'd just fed into it and then farts a piece of meat the size of a five cent coin clear across the room

 - making around fifty sandwiches out of gigantic bread rolls, salads and miscellaneous meats including roast beef, corned beef, turkey, chicken and salmon

 - slipping and falling on my ass several times

 - leaving the house at three in the morning on a rusted old pushbike and riding the damn thing four and a half kilometres through two suburbs, two indigenous communites and an indigenous burial ground, one mini mangrove swamp and four cubic miles of broken glass

 - glazing close to sixty assorted sweet pastries with weird apricot mixture

 - decorating another twenty LARGE sweet pastries with icing sugar and chocolate

 - coating donuts and cruellers with cinnamon and sugar

 - cursing loudly when the Myriad agent showed up with twenty minutes worth of paperwork and a half hour time frame, when I had five minutes left in my lunch break

 - more fun with the meat grinder which revolved mostly upon me feeding a piece of meat into it and yelling "Oh, the humanity!" as ground meat began to squeeze out from the end

 - cursing very loudly when I found out I'd been kept there for an extra half hour when my shift was supposed to be finished

 - breaking the sound barrier with my swearing when, not five minutes from the store I got a phone call from Sai wondering where I was, as I had arranged to spend the afternoon with her and was now late.

 

 

So, let me sum it up for you. My job rocks. My first day sucked. I'm going to bed. If you wake me up, I'm going to go giggle at the meat grinder some more because it'll be your nutsack going through it.

 

Oh, happy day. I now have legal access to heavy machinery capable of grinding animal carcasses to mush and an industrial-size Dumpster. Pleasant dreams!

 

I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

 

I got it.

 

I got the baker's apprenticeship I've had my eye on for the last month.

 

I'm a baker's apprentice now.

 

'Scuse me, I haven't finished getting drunk yet.

You also can't keep vomit down; hence my sudden return.

 

The reason for my absence the last month or so is, about a month or so ago my computer, Beli gave up the ghost. Explosively. Allow me to provide a recap:

 

Neko:  Whee, internet! What a wholesome and not entirely mindnumbing experience.

Beli:    *EXPLODE*

Neko:  Noooo!!

 

Such a beautifully-written story. Brings a tear to my eye every time I read it.

 

Anyhow, I had a friend of mine, Sonics, help me turn Beli into a Franky. It worked. I now have a zombified compy, hallelujah! Now I can get back to doing what I do best - writing, reading, listening to music, and entertaining you horrible lot.

 

...why DID I get this thing repaired? That was a perfect chance to- oh shit, is this thing still on?

 

In other words, flee! Flee you pitiful fools! Run away, run away back to your miserable homes! The Neko is back on the air! Bwaaah hahahahahahahaaagh!

 

And now that I've had my merriment from my maniacal monologue and mirth mixture for this month I may have more monotonous news for you all: I may be getting a baker's apprenticeship. I really hope I get this.... aside from it being something I love doing and would love to get paid for doing, it would mean getting it as a recognised and certified trade.

 

Not to mention all the bread-related innuendo I could make. Watching things rise, sour dough "icing the cake" and the ol' breadstick all come to mind.

 

God, I'm such a freak.

 

Have I ever mentioned how much I love me?

 

And, bad news. I spoke to Dad recently; the reason for his lack of contact is that he was getting major surgery. He was recently diagnosed with a serious heart condition that meant the implantation of a pacemaker. Dad is going to be fine as they caught it early but that doesn't change the fact that my father now has three wires and a battery sticking out out of his chest. Worse still, the condition is hereditary and my father's birth parents (he was adopted) have a history of the disease, so I myself have to be very careful in case I've inherited it as well. I'm just glad to hear Dad is okay though.

 

No word from Red or Green lately. I heard Red is doing great at school; apparently she's taken my position as the intellect of the family. I've never been so proud of her.

 

And, Sai and I are going great. I'll spare you the sappy details and whatnot; just be content with the knowledge that we're happy together.

 

Little does she suspect, she is to be the first victim of my breadstick joke.

 

Unless she reads this blog of course. Then I'm probably going to die.

 

Finally, one of my favourite holidays tomorrow: Territory Day. What this basically amounts to is, fireworks and alcohol, in large quantities. Also, our fireworks are imports and therefore the warning labels are in foreign languages and are thus completely illegible.

 

In other words, I plan to sit back with my closest friends and Sai; and watch the idiot populace maim themselves.

 

After all, what better way to show love for your country by blowing it up?

 

Now, kindly excuse me. I have fourteen boxes of sparklers to hand out; and these magnesium filings aren't going to get coated with barium sulfate on their own.

 

And if anybody asks, I was with you this evening.